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Counsel for Life
Receiving Counseling is Not a Sign of Weakness
My favorite counseling Bible verse is Proverbs 1:5, "A wise man will hear and increase
learning." Some think pursuing counseling is a sign of weakness. Ironically, the strong
silent type, particularly one who is so “self-made” that he does not think he needs to listen
to anyone, betrays a true sign of personal weakness. In order for a client to benefit from
counseling, he and the counselor must both be open to instruction from the Lord.
Submission: A Calling for Everyone
In our marriage & family class at church, we are presently studying the topic of
submission. It's one hot word. Submission is the position, not only for women, but for all
Christians to take. Believers are called to submit "to one another in the fear of God"
(Ephesians 5:21). The term itself suggests the servant attitude that we are to imitate
from Christ who came not "to be served, but to serve" (Mark 10:45). In fact, greatness in
God's kingdom is measured in terms of service & humility (Matthew 23:11-12).
Turn the Other Cheek
Turn the other cheek? How difficult to impossible that command from Jesus seems to be.
On a national level, does that mean we don't defend our country? On a community level,
does that mean we let crime continue unchecked? On a personal level, does that mean we
let someone take advantage of or abuse us?
My understanding of the intent of Christ and the above questions leads to the answer of
an unqualified, "No!" to all of the above. Then what does it mean? In the most practical
sense, “Turn the other cheek” means that when a fellow worker, a church member, a
child, a parent, or a spouse annoys or even abuses you, you do not retaliate. In other
words, you do not react, or become "reactionary." You may still deal with the problem,
seek justice, or correct the person, but not in a "knee-jerk" manner. Instead, you
overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).
Jerk Therapy
"I'm the problem; it's me!" That's really hard to say, isn't it? I love the interplay between
Han Solo and his "friend" Lando in Star Wars. They were creatures of the same stripe,
both whining, "It's not my fault!"
It's hard to own up. It's so much easier to run away and hide, to make ourselves look
good, or to blame another, much like the original man did. That's one reason I developed
a technique that I call "Jerk Therapy" with people who reflexively make excuses for
themselves. I have found when I admit, "I'm a jerk!" after I have blown even part of an
interchange, I am liberated. I am free. I am no longer a target. I no longer offend the
other like I did. And best of all, I become a candidate for the grace of God to flow to me,
and through me.
Beware Hot Head or Cold Heart
Hurt and anger are inevitable. How you engage them in your response is the critical
factor between being constructive and destructive in your relationships. Do you have a
hot head when he/she criticizes or irritates you?—or a cold heart? Robert Frost
hypothesized that perhaps the "world will end in fire," that is, in the passions of fiery hate
and ill chosen, harsh words, but that "ice...would suffice" also, that is, in the withdrawal
of hearts from one another.
A better balance in preserving a relationship is to deal with conflict with a cool head and
a warm heart. It works, it's much less expensive, and it wins friends—like your husband,
your wife, your son, your daughter, and others. It's your choice, in the middle of battle.
Use your most effective weapons.
The Power of Choice
What factors make us what we are? Some emphasize heredity. Our health, intelligence,
and relationships are certainly influenced by genetics. Some stress environment.
Certainly our family upbringing and early socialization experiences also affect us. Still
others note spiritual intervention in our lives. God's word, Spirit, and people can have
tremendous impact on our lives, to the point that the spiritual influence "trumps"
hereditary and environmental influences. However, in the end, what truly makes us
what we have become are the decisions we have made in our lives. Like the Israelites of
old, we continuously have life and death laid before us (Deuteronomy 30:19). We are not
victims of chance or history, but we determine our condition by choice, by what or whom
we select to trust, day by decisive day.
Beware Post-Modernism
"You only care about yourself." Some of us have learned that "I" statements are better
than accusatory "You" statements when in conflict. "I feel lonely when you don't
communicate," for example, seems less threatening" than “You’re a rotten
communicator.” A problem may develop, however, even with so-called safe "I feel"
proclamations. Being wrapped up in our own feelings tends to promote a "feeling
philosophy" with its attendant self-centered and/or victim mentality. We might start to
lean toward the popular philosophy of our day, Post-modernism, which magnifies the
subjective and the personal to the nth degree. "I hear you say. .. " and addressing the
legitimate needs of the other party in a conflict works much better, as does, say, humility
and forgiveness put to use readily so that no root of bitterness may emerge.
Thank You, God
I was asked recently by a friend dealing with a stressful circumstance, how are you and
your family doing? It would be easy to respond “fine” but not mean it or maybe to
complain about something like gas prices. But actually my family and I are doing rather
well. That does not mean everything is going the way I want it to go. I am still learning
to accept adversity and pressure as welcome opportunities to grow in my faith, rather
than letting relational, financial, and physical setbacks dump the whole apple cart over.
A major debilitating problem in America today is, not, so much, war, not taxes, not
poverty, but the rampant victim mentality. We forget as a nation to say, “Thank You,” to
God. If truth be known, if we all got what we really deserved, because of our sin and
rebellion against God, we would all be burning in the everlasting flames. So I am
grateful that His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). I need them.
Don’t we all? Having said the above, I let my friend know that I was praying for God’s
will concerning his situation.
The Heavenly Treasure of Contentment
3 treasures in heaven that overcome anxiety are contentment, a clear conscience, and
unity. With contentment, I no longer fear what man may do to me since I know that
God will take care of me. With contentment, the market may crash and the war may
continue, but God’s purposes for me will not change nor falter. With contentment,
those close to me may hurt or disappoint me, but I still will give thanks to the Lord for His
goodness to me in the land of the living. Contentment does not depend on my marital,
parental, economic, physical, or social status, but my communion with the Prince of
Peace. It’s like the monk accused of fathering a child and required to raise him saying,
“Is that so?” and then years later when found to be innocent repeating, “Is that so?”
Contentment is content, no matter what happens.
The Heavenly Treasure of a Clear Conscience
3 treasures in heaven that overcome anxiety are contentment, a clear conscience, and
unity. With a clear conscience, I no longer fear what man may discover about me
since I know that God has my back. With a clear conscience, I can be accused of any
crime, but God still sees me as clean. With a clear conscience, I may lose those closest
to me because of a stand I take, but I still can enjoy the fellowship of the Lord in the
midst of my suffering. A clear conscience does not depend on a favorable political
survey, fame, or business success. With a clear conscience, I have nothing to hide or
defend. It's like the Lord Chancellor of England declaring at his execution in 1535, "I die
the king's loyal servant, but God's first." A clear conscience remains clear, even in the
midst of twisted lies and corruption.
The Heavenly Treasure of Unity
3 treasures in heaven that overcome anxiety are contentment, a clear conscience, and
unity. With unity, I no longer fear being left alone or in pain since God is always with
me. With unity, I do not strive to get my own way only, but look out for the interests of
others as well. With unity, I may face a difficult decision in my marriage, but I do not
hassle it, because, as in The Family Man, when the wife was asked to sacrifice what was
dear to her for what her husband needed, she said, “I choose us.” Unity “is like precious
oil poured on the head (Ps 133:2 NIV) to make the face of your spouse and yours to shine
(Ps 104:15 NIV), applying even and especially when there has been recent strife. Unity
reflects the relationship of the Father and the Son (Jn 17:21-23), preparing our hearts for
the lifestyle of heaven.
A Good Thing When Angry
I love the wisdom I get from my clients. When we counsel, the Holy Spirit is the teacher,
sometimes speaking through me, and sometimes through my counselee. A couple weeks
ago in a session, a guy and I discussed the primacy of a thankful heart in overcoming
anger and resentment, and that one of the keys to having a thankful heart, particularly
in regards to our job or our life mate, is realizing that if we get what we really deserve,
we can look forward to eternity in hell. Yikes! But just then, he blurted out, “It’s a good
thing we have a Savior!” What a simple and spontaneous declaration of the gospel,
particularly in practical use. What a revelation needed for this lost and dying world.
What a cogent reminder to us believers when we get caught up in the things of the
world. What holy and convicting encouragement: “It’s a good thing we have a Savior!”
Do you?
Receiving Counseling is Not a Sign of Weakness
My favorite counseling Bible verse is Proverbs 1:5, "A wise man will hear and increase
learning." Some think pursuing counseling is a sign of weakness. Ironically, the strong
silent type, particularly one who is so “self-made” that he does not think he needs to listen
to anyone, betrays a true sign of personal weakness. In order for a client to benefit from
counseling, he and the counselor must both be open to instruction from the Lord.
Submission: A Calling for Everyone
In our marriage & family class at church, we are presently studying the topic of
submission. It's one hot word. Submission is the position, not only for women, but for all
Christians to take. Believers are called to submit "to one another in the fear of God"
(Ephesians 5:21). The term itself suggests the servant attitude that we are to imitate
from Christ who came not "to be served, but to serve" (Mark 10:45). In fact, greatness in
God's kingdom is measured in terms of service & humility (Matthew 23:11-12).
Turn the Other Cheek
Turn the other cheek? How difficult to impossible that command from Jesus seems to be.
On a national level, does that mean we don't defend our country? On a community level,
does that mean we let crime continue unchecked? On a personal level, does that mean we
let someone take advantage of or abuse us?
My understanding of the intent of Christ and the above questions leads to the answer of
an unqualified, "No!" to all of the above. Then what does it mean? In the most practical
sense, “Turn the other cheek” means that when a fellow worker, a church member, a
child, a parent, or a spouse annoys or even abuses you, you do not retaliate. In other
words, you do not react, or become "reactionary." You may still deal with the problem,
seek justice, or correct the person, but not in a "knee-jerk" manner. Instead, you
overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).
Jerk Therapy
"I'm the problem; it's me!" That's really hard to say, isn't it? I love the interplay between
Han Solo and his "friend" Lando in Star Wars. They were creatures of the same stripe,
both whining, "It's not my fault!"
It's hard to own up. It's so much easier to run away and hide, to make ourselves look
good, or to blame another, much like the original man did. That's one reason I developed
a technique that I call "Jerk Therapy" with people who reflexively make excuses for
themselves. I have found when I admit, "I'm a jerk!" after I have blown even part of an
interchange, I am liberated. I am free. I am no longer a target. I no longer offend the
other like I did. And best of all, I become a candidate for the grace of God to flow to me,
and through me.
Beware Hot Head or Cold Heart
Hurt and anger are inevitable. How you engage them in your response is the critical
factor between being constructive and destructive in your relationships. Do you have a
hot head when he/she criticizes or irritates you?—or a cold heart? Robert Frost
hypothesized that perhaps the "world will end in fire," that is, in the passions of fiery hate
and ill chosen, harsh words, but that "ice...would suffice" also, that is, in the withdrawal
of hearts from one another.
A better balance in preserving a relationship is to deal with conflict with a cool head and
a warm heart. It works, it's much less expensive, and it wins friends—like your husband,
your wife, your son, your daughter, and others. It's your choice, in the middle of battle.
Use your most effective weapons.
The Power of Choice
What factors make us what we are? Some emphasize heredity. Our health, intelligence,
and relationships are certainly influenced by genetics. Some stress environment.
Certainly our family upbringing and early socialization experiences also affect us. Still
others note spiritual intervention in our lives. God's word, Spirit, and people can have
tremendous impact on our lives, to the point that the spiritual influence "trumps"
hereditary and environmental influences. However, in the end, what truly makes us
what we have become are the decisions we have made in our lives. Like the Israelites of
old, we continuously have life and death laid before us (Deuteronomy 30:19). We are not
victims of chance or history, but we determine our condition by choice, by what or whom
we select to trust, day by decisive day.
Beware Post-Modernism
"You only care about yourself." Some of us have learned that "I" statements are better
than accusatory "You" statements when in conflict. "I feel lonely when you don't
communicate," for example, seems less threatening" than “You’re a rotten
communicator.” A problem may develop, however, even with so-called safe "I feel"
proclamations. Being wrapped up in our own feelings tends to promote a "feeling
philosophy" with its attendant self-centered and/or victim mentality. We might start to
lean toward the popular philosophy of our day, Post-modernism, which magnifies the
subjective and the personal to the nth degree. "I hear you say. .. " and addressing the
legitimate needs of the other party in a conflict works much better, as does, say, humility
and forgiveness put to use readily so that no root of bitterness may emerge.
Thank You, God
I was asked recently by a friend dealing with a stressful circumstance, how are you and
your family doing? It would be easy to respond “fine” but not mean it or maybe to
complain about something like gas prices. But actually my family and I are doing rather
well. That does not mean everything is going the way I want it to go. I am still learning
to accept adversity and pressure as welcome opportunities to grow in my faith, rather
than letting relational, financial, and physical setbacks dump the whole apple cart over.
A major debilitating problem in America today is, not, so much, war, not taxes, not
poverty, but the rampant victim mentality. We forget as a nation to say, “Thank You,” to
God. If truth be known, if we all got what we really deserved, because of our sin and
rebellion against God, we would all be burning in the everlasting flames. So I am
grateful that His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). I need them.
Don’t we all? Having said the above, I let my friend know that I was praying for God’s
will concerning his situation.
The Heavenly Treasure of Contentment
3 treasures in heaven that overcome anxiety are contentment, a clear conscience, and
unity. With contentment, I no longer fear what man may do to me since I know that
God will take care of me. With contentment, the market may crash and the war may
continue, but God’s purposes for me will not change nor falter. With contentment,
those close to me may hurt or disappoint me, but I still will give thanks to the Lord for His
goodness to me in the land of the living. Contentment does not depend on my marital,
parental, economic, physical, or social status, but my communion with the Prince of
Peace. It’s like the monk accused of fathering a child and required to raise him saying,
“Is that so?” and then years later when found to be innocent repeating, “Is that so?”
Contentment is content, no matter what happens.
The Heavenly Treasure of a Clear Conscience
3 treasures in heaven that overcome anxiety are contentment, a clear conscience, and
unity. With a clear conscience, I no longer fear what man may discover about me
since I know that God has my back. With a clear conscience, I can be accused of any
crime, but God still sees me as clean. With a clear conscience, I may lose those closest
to me because of a stand I take, but I still can enjoy the fellowship of the Lord in the
midst of my suffering. A clear conscience does not depend on a favorable political
survey, fame, or business success. With a clear conscience, I have nothing to hide or
defend. It's like the Lord Chancellor of England declaring at his execution in 1535, "I die
the king's loyal servant, but God's first." A clear conscience remains clear, even in the
midst of twisted lies and corruption.
The Heavenly Treasure of Unity
3 treasures in heaven that overcome anxiety are contentment, a clear conscience, and
unity. With unity, I no longer fear being left alone or in pain since God is always with
me. With unity, I do not strive to get my own way only, but look out for the interests of
others as well. With unity, I may face a difficult decision in my marriage, but I do not
hassle it, because, as in The Family Man, when the wife was asked to sacrifice what was
dear to her for what her husband needed, she said, “I choose us.” Unity “is like precious
oil poured on the head (Ps 133:2 NIV) to make the face of your spouse and yours to shine
(Ps 104:15 NIV), applying even and especially when there has been recent strife. Unity
reflects the relationship of the Father and the Son (Jn 17:21-23), preparing our hearts for
the lifestyle of heaven.
A Good Thing When Angry
I love the wisdom I get from my clients. When we counsel, the Holy Spirit is the teacher,
sometimes speaking through me, and sometimes through my counselee. A couple weeks
ago in a session, a guy and I discussed the primacy of a thankful heart in overcoming
anger and resentment, and that one of the keys to having a thankful heart, particularly
in regards to our job or our life mate, is realizing that if we get what we really deserve,
we can look forward to eternity in hell. Yikes! But just then, he blurted out, “It’s a good
thing we have a Savior!” What a simple and spontaneous declaration of the gospel,
particularly in practical use. What a revelation needed for this lost and dying world.
What a cogent reminder to us believers when we get caught up in the things of the
world. What holy and convicting encouragement: “It’s a good thing we have a Savior!”
Do you?